It’s been a while since I opened up about my mental health issues on one of my posts. So now I’m just trying to explain what’s been going on with me. I won’t get into why I feel like this, since I barely know that. And maybe, this post is partially a call for help. But only in the sense that i’ve not shared this with many, and doing so seems like a sort of self therapy.
If you are reading this and want to help, no need to do much; I am only sharing this because I am starting to feel better, so I just want to note it here and hopefully someone might feel relate to or find it helpful.
So for a while, I’ve been trying to socialize more, go to the gym, spend time in nature, eat healthy, find a hobby, take less work. It did make me feel better, but it also made me really tired sometimes. The problem with depression is not me into unhealthy habits, but it inhibits my ability to function. In fact, I want not to do any of those things, or anything at all. For a very long time, nothing in life can get me excited or bring me joy. The effect of all of this is the feeling of being exhausted by only the act of living. At some points I feel fed up with all this shit, and I just want to stop. But I’ve got to keep going.
And because of this there is also sense of disappointment. Disappointment at the feeling that I am no longer myself. And there are thoughts “I hate myself”, “I am not good enough”. And the annoying thing is that these are not beliefs really. Deep down there I know I don’t hate myself, I am good enough, lots of people love and care for me. And yet the thoughts come, I know it’s irrational, but is is what it is.
On top of the common traits of depression, there are lots of more personal quirks. One of them is the constantly feeling incapable of productivity, especially at home. I set up a whole workspace to study from home, but since the depression kicks in, I barely touch it and do most of my work at the library. The feeling of worthless also eats me up especially when I see cool research papers, cool arts, or just a really good movies. There is a little part of my mind that says “that’s not just because of talent – this is the result of years of working very hard and perseverance”. And then, “you are not capable of those things.” This especially sucks with friends, when all I want is to be happy for them.
People with depression aren’t faking being sick, but faking being well. Sometimes, I felt like the pain just leaking out of my body, and I hate it. Growing up in the Asian culture where mental health is not a real thing, I do feel ashamed when I open up about things like these. But I also know it is just a sickness that will pass with treatment, so it’s only a matter of time and perseverance.
On a bright note, I do feel much better when I write this. So there’s that!