This article shares only about my personal journey with depression, and does not represent the experience of over 280 million diagnosed individuals worldwide.
If you have read one of my old posts, you’ll know I have been struggling with depression for a while. Depression, simply put, is a disease caused by a biochemical disorder in the brain that makes it difficult or nearly impossible for the sufferer to feel happiness (anhedonia). Just as a diabetic lacks the ability to produce insulin to regulate blood sugar, the brain of a person with depression struggles to synthesize dopamine and serotonin—two happiness hormones. Telling someone with depression to “just stop your depression” is akin to telling a diabetic to “just produce more insulin.” Depression is one of the top four leading causes of disability in the world according to the WHO.
Like a diabetic might use medication to improve their condition, a person with depression can supplement their ability to synthesize dopamine and serotonin with antidepressants and other forms of therapy. It’s common to feel uneasy about using antidepressants, but they are a crucial element in my recovery. Antidepressants are not a cure-all; they’re not happy pills. Think of depression as falling into a deep hole—antidepressants help to lift you back to life. They don’t make you feel happy or energetic all the time; rather, they restore your normal state, bringing you back to your old self. And that is exactly what I have been seeking.
For a while, I tried everything I could to feel better. Those efforts helped me feel better, but nothing could completely end my illness. This severely affected my ability to work, as for a very long time, I have always pursued the principle of doing things that make me happy (pleasure sensation). Since becoming ill and losing the ability to feel happiness (anhedonia), I felt lost and couldn’t find a reason to continue working. It’s not that I wanted to end my life, but if life were to stop tomorrow, I probably wouldn’t feel anything. I had to search for another WHY, another reason to continue. Ultimately, I chose the remaining priority in my life: freedom—including financial and intellectual freedom.
And for the first time in many months, I have been able to sit down and focus on work again, regardless of whether I feel happy or not. At least, I see that as progress. 🙂